"Tired of all parties involved making a mess during sex? Try the new majic sheath towel!
It works just like magic to dry up messy 'wetness' during sex and keep anyone from having those even more messy orgasms that come with regular sex. In many cases it can also squelch those annoying 'hard ons' that men are always getting!"
Just go to any pharmacy, Walgreens, gas station, pretty much anywhere but the hardware store and ask for "Condoms". Wetness absorbency you can count on.
The previous fake ad is #notaboutmatt, and not about any one person, but condoms as a whole. I once asked a boyfriend (someone I was actually dating, so again #notaboutmatt) if he kept glasses of ice water inside all of his condoms.