Friday, January 31, 2014

The Meh and the Grrr of it

"I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season."

And it really never has been. The fear of the resent polar vortexes was a huge reason I spent much of my adult life in the west. Hiding from it in the open air and swimming pools.

People keep trying to start conversations with me right now, and all I can say is "I'm cold. It's... just colllld." It's not exactly a promising conversation direction to take, but it's the only place I know to lead. I resent the cold more so for ripping the sparks out of my lively conversation mechanism.

I got to give the most stellar advice today to a photographer who was working with another girl's photo. (He was mostly adjusting lighting and such, not changing her appearance to make her more ...whatever.)
"When touching up girls pictures, we don't necessarily want you to make us look thinner or different than we really look. Just make us look like we really look mid-June, not the way we really look in early February."

Right now I'm just full of meh and grrr and more meh. I want something to Happen, but I'm not sure what. Something exciting! But not drama filled.
Nothing I'm doing is exciting to me these days, though I'm not sure the events and involvements I'm part of wouldn't be far more exciting were it early summer. Early summer, when everything is so promising, and not so desperate and cold and empty.

I lost two potential romantic entanglements that I was running more or less at once, neither being truly mine. While not being the ultimate in fulfilling connections, both warmed me on the inside in their very different ways and in their absences are missed both in a meh and a grrrr sort of way.
But... I don't have the faith to push deep enough into the grrr, so I wallow in the meh of it...
And sometimes try to re-spark the worse fitting of the two.
Because I take some perverse joy is sleeping with republicans and then berating myself for it? I don't know. There's something about it so ..alien. Maybe it gives it that dirty edge that sex is missing now that so little is really taboo for me?
If all involved (and of age) parties enjoy it, nothing is 'wrong' these days.
So maybe the only taboo is to do it with someone whose values completely clash with your own?? Does it just appeal as a space to release the grrr that the cold has placed in me?

Winter: When I look for something to light on fire to push back the gray.

I must remember now that have a fireplace and wood for it.
And keep talking myself into enjoying every aspect of life as much as I can through the brrrr.

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