Sunday, April 21, 2013

3 Men in 3 Days

It must have been something in the air. Maybe I was sending out the 'closure vibe' into the universe, but not being very good at that kind of thing I get it just slightly off and end up with something that wouldn't necessarily be considered 'closure' in most circles. Though I sure didn't intend to send out any such vibe I must have been doing something that weekend...

I'd had three relationship/flings/whatevers in a row, each beginning stepping over the corpse of another's ending.
*I think this only works if each one is more spectacular than the last, so that even if you are on any level mourning the old, you are even more excited about the new. Then you can tell yourself that the last ending happened because this new and better thing was going to happen.

Love is a Battlefield...
By the end of the triad of 'relationship-type-things' I was ... just think of three minor breakups in a row. I felt like that. Some things aren't break ups, they are 'endings', but there are aspects of a break up involved in each of these. While the rest of my life was running well enough, romantically I'd been feeling like I had one of those hang-overs where you have to wear sunglasses, even indoors.

Then they all hit me up at once. Differently. At the same time.

The first one, we hadn't spoken in... I was estimating almost 2 months. I thought 'He has finally accepted that neither of us need to be in this dysfunctional relationship. I'm so relieved that he was able to finally let go and so was I. This is the healthy thing for us both.'

This weekend of contacts starts with him calling me. Over and Over and Over all day and night with me not answering. I'm big on texting people if one can, rather than calling them without regard to their schedule or what might be going on; I've always, since texts were invented, thought they were much more polite than a call, as you can send when you want and they can answer when they want, not when you ring them. At any rate, he knows this, but keeps calling anyway. It's always been a control issue with us.
Sometime Saturday, tired of ignoring multiple calls, I text him and we end up talking on the phone. It goes something like this:
"I haven't talked to you in so long cause I've been in jaaaaiiiillll."
"What?!?! Wait. Jail? Why??"
"I got picked up for drinking and driving."
"You had to know this was coming."
"Oh, no, this wasn't one of those you have 48 hours to turn yourself in. This was one of those where they pick you up and take you straight in. I was wearing my..."
"While it speaks volumes that you know the difference, I meant you go to bars, drink, and drive home. You had to know you would get arrested for it sooner or later."
"Oh. Yeah. I was hoping for the Later on that one. Why aren't you on facebook anymore? Or did you unfriend me?"
"I blocked you months ago Jonathan. We've spoken since then. You just didn't notice because you only ever looked at it when you wanted to find something to bitch at me about."
"Well I didn't notice the last 6 weeks because I've been in Jaaaiiiiiel."...
The conversation kinda went on in that direction for a while... It might help if you read it in a drawl, it really tops it off.


The next guy on the contact path sent me a message saying he was sorry for any hurt or misunderstanding he might have caused and hoped we could be friends.
That's what he typed.
Sometimes I write to my government representatives. When they write me back they often say one thing, but I read another. For instance every time Blaine Luetkemeyer returns an email regarding my concerns I read "I can't believe you bothered to send me another email with your opinions. No, I'm not voting the way you want me to, you Ignorant Liberal Female." I'm pretty sure that isn't what ol Blaine wrote, but I'm just as sure that it's exactly what he means.
So, when I opened this message from this man what I read was: I'm tired of feeling like a dick when I look in your eyes. Also I'd like you to laugh at my jokes.
If I were one to put words in someone's mouth I might say I also read that my time limit for being mad was up now, but that would just be speculation.
While I wasn't in good humor with the fellow as it was, I think it was the word 'misunderstanding' that put me over the edge on that one. It was so invalidating. Like everything else that happened when that ended.

The final one to contact me was the only one who truly had any concern with my feelings. Even though it had been a mutual and amicable decision to stop dating, he recognized that it could still be hard and wanted to check in on me and say he was thinking of me.
Oh My Gosh, my favorite break up ever. I feel like this guy should give classes on how to break up gently and be a good person after. Not only that, it was so affirming. Acknowledging that we had something that can be hard to let go.
My heart went pitter patter. 
Then I remembered why we broke up; not because of a fight, but because of more legitimate reasons, like incompatibility and 'style differences'.
Then I hit on him again anyway. And he kindly ignored it - Yet still was cordial and considerate in a very platonic way.
This really should/could have been one of the most lovely endings ever. Neither of us wanted to get back to dating or thought it could work. We were both kind, considerate, like each other as people...

BUT. Sometimes (pretty much always) when I can use reason to convince myself something isn't right for me and another person I still struggle to give up the physical aspects of an involvement. Thus, when one night I text him after a couple of drinks with a girlfriend and ask about having that coffee he suggested we have... and push for a time we can do it... and..? Then I tell him I might behave inappropriately, and when he asks what I mean I figure (with all evidence to the contrary might I add) it's an invitation to detail what I'd like to do... (Insert Unsolicited Sext Here.)
His response? That we should get coffee in a public place.
I texted back not to worry if he didn't hear from me, as "I get really poor reception under the rock I'm currently climbing under."
I'm still here. Never got a return text on that one. Instead I'm going with avoiding eye contact as much as possible and consoling myself with promises that I will never try it again.

Not the dream ending - he gave it his best shot - but somehow it's befitting. It's me.

No comments:

Post a Comment