Monday, December 2, 2013

No White Flag

Whenever I have a romance collapse I play Dido's White Flag.
Over and over.
In the song she sings about how she will always be in love with this guy, even though it's hopeless, she will never give up on her love for him. There will be no white flag. Never would she stop feeling this love for this man. It's desperately depressing.
I played this song on repeat after one of the many times Harry hurt me.

Wait, who's Harry?

A few years ago I was driving down my street several weeks after a heartbreak had left me in a state of total emotional wreckage. I was spending another day with this dead thing laying in my stomach, the decaying corpse of my dreams rotting inside of me and making me sick.
White Flag came on the car radio.
I sang along... and it was a turning point.
For me this song was about Harry.
And anyone who knew me now, other than a few old friends and my mother, would have no idea who that person had been.
Who's Harry? Someone I would never get over.
Except that I did. Just like I would this one. And the next one.
The song I identified with the person I would never get over helped me see that someday I would this time too.

I have since then created a playlist of songs that make me think of guys I'm no longer heartbroken over. Songs that remind me of people I wanted so much to spend my life with, who suddenly don't even hold up to the current crush. It's a running list of "Our Song"s; songs that were on our "relationship soundtrack"; break up songs that remind me of someone "special".

I can remember a time, not so very long ago, that I couldn't even listen to Matt Nathanson's Higher without sobbing... let alone use it to feel better about my latest mistake. Now it graces my playlist sandwiched between Pink's I Don't Believe You from my turbulent and multiple break ups with Johnathan, and a song my one time fiance sang to me the night I fell in love with him.

As I let go yet again of something I thought was going to be something I'll put another song into heavy rotation.

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